If I am Worth the Work

Your existence hurts me
There is pain in your breath
And my steps
Retreat.
Retreat into before
I don’t need this or you or y’all no more
But I’ll take ya lessons and make use for them like an expired bouquet
dried flowers that hang somewhere aside my memories like practical postcards
Pretty, but purposeful
decorations for an un-fine mind.

One Perfectly, pretending perfection,
Pretending that Pain is a Past Participant,

Presently I’m tense and hiding.
I’m gone and you knew it before the levees let loose years of tears and self doubt.
It’s too rocky now.

Waves too turbulent.
Where’s the exit?
I know how to swim. And I’m good at it.
How, to tread dread,
Trade longing for lust,
Take my fill of cheap thrills,
Trade Control for comfort.
Quickly.

I release me to the universe
Hesitant in my haste,
to see what path can be forged by fears of commitment and disbelief of the fact that I am worth loving.
Fighting for.
Translating.
Wading thru.

If I am worth the water
If I am worth the work
If I am worth the walk
If I am worth.

If I’m lost or found.
Where did I go? And are we here yet?
And am I HER yet?

Maybe just maybe, in my own guppy pool, pond, playa, puddle of putty + feelings I can mince silly and self doubt,
split atoms of destruction with ounces of reflection
I want construction for us all.

For us across the board.
Across the bay
Sitting docked
Restrained by pride and patterns of our parents
Of our people,

This,
Is familiar.
This body familiar.
But THIS body is familiar and I left my sneakers at the door, so sinking is not an option any more
Damn. tho …
I’ve got no sweet chariots,
no Northstar compass coming forth to carry me home.
I’m figuring this out on my own.
Learning to let you love me raw, flaws hanging out. Sprawled all over your mercy.
Learning to let go and let love.
Learning to let go and
be loved,
seen,
and carried through.

I’ve met my enemy and she needs love too.

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