Unhung Hero: Sizing Up This Cock-cumentary

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Full Tagline: He traveled the world to answer one question…does size matter?

Recently while scrolling through Netflix’s bevy of new releases, I came upon a movie simply titled “Unhung Hero.” Usually I try not to judge a book/movie by it’s cover, but this one told me all that I needed to know just from it’s tagline, and its naked star in the center: Does size matter?

“Actor” and “comedian” Patrick Moote tackles this question as the central focus of the cock-cumentary, as he puts it. At a UCLA Basketball game, Moote proposes to his girlfriend during the kiss cam, and she immediately says no. Her alleged reason? His penis is too small.

Thus, he decides to go on a cross-country and cross international journey to not only find out if size matters, but if there is anything he can possibly do to get a larger penis. Between supplements, penis pumps and massage techniques — there are some details I could have died not knowing) — Moote does almost everything to increase the length of his dick. Once he started venturing into the culture of penis weight training and needle injections, I didn’t know when his mission would end.

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So uncomfortable to watch.

But what exactly is this all for? A part of me was hoping he wasn’t trying to up his inch size to win the poor girl back.

During most of the film, I was truly in awe of the rampant obsession with masculinity that comes with dick size. For something that is clothed most of the time, Moote spent countless hours interviewing and researching all that this world has to offer in the way of penis enlargement to make himself feel more like a man. This bothered me in more ways than one; I know plenty of men without penises that don’t feel like they need one to define their idea of being a man.

What takes nearly 80 minutes to discover — the film clocks in at 86 minutes — is that maybe dick size doesn’t matter, but it’s the weird, talking piece of skin attached to the penis that might be the problem. Of course, what would be the point of coming to terms with that only six minutes in? What’s a triumph without some tribulations, apparently?

Much of the first twenty minutes of the movie is slandering Moote’s ex-girlfriend, painting her like a faceless villainess for exercising her right to say no. Moote awkwardly vents his situation to his parents, porn stars, and random people on the street. They all soothe his fragile ego by also throwing his ex under the bus. Rarely does anyone direct the blame at him, exactly where it might very well be deserved.

Regardless if she really didn’t like his dick size or not, the public proposal is emotionally abusive. They always place the proposed in an unsuspecting and instant position of a choice that will affect the rest of their life. More often than not, public proposals tend to fall through because the proposee will just say yes to avoid immediate embarrassment for all involved. Moote’s ex was faced with the option to say yes to a relationship she didn’t want, or to say no and be ostracized. And thanks to the Internet, she’s been publicly demonized by millions of strangers.

Moote also approaches — actually more like ambushes — his other ex girlfriends by asking them if they didn’t like his penis. Unsurprisingly so, none of them were overwhelmingly willing to give a positive response. This isn’t concluded to Moote having a know-it-all persona with a sort of lackluster means of communication, but his less than average sized penis, of course.

On the outside of it all, the venture into other cultural perspectives surrounding penises was interesting enough to make this movie tolerable. Moote spends a good deal of time
in several Asian and African countries to discover their outlook on size. What follows is an interesting look into how other cultures spiritually and naturally cope with physical abnormalities, for lack of a better word.

So, by the end of the film, have we reached a consensus? Does size really matter?

For me personally, it doesn’t. At the end of everything, if I’m not attracted to you, I’m not attracted to you. That’s it. I think sex can be good regardless of size. If I’m into you and I can sense reciprocation, the battle is half won. But then again, that’s just me. Even if it did matter, I’m allowed to have a sexual preference. I’m allowed to like certain qualities over others and not pursue someone who doesn’t satisfy what I’m looking for.

By the end of the movie, my secondhand embarrassment was so high I almost felt compelled to see it to the end. This is mostly in the hopes that Moote would just stop his whining and come to some point of self-actualization. Too often I found myself wanting to scream “JUST BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT!”, only to realize I had just hit minute 50, and we were still climbing toward some sort of definitive “answer” to such a pressing question.

All in all, I’d rate this movie a C+. I would say maybe a B- had I been watching with a margarita in my hand. I might watch it again if a friend prompts me, but for the most part it just cured some boredom. “Unhung Hero” is what you get when “first world (white male) problems” meets “too much money and time on their hands.”

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One thought on “Unhung Hero: Sizing Up This Cock-cumentary

  1. Wow, Hey it’s just your opinion.. Size should never be an issue and if allegedly that’was her reason for saying no… Well than she’s a superficial cunt. So in the end she’s deserves to be ousted thank God in heaven and the US military for the Internet. So in ending, your opinion is just that an opinion just like assholes everyone has one 🙂

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