8 Ways to Avoid Being a Slut-Shaming Hater

As a 24 year old reformed party girl, I will admit there are aspects of club culture that annoy, disgust and even outright terrify me, which is why I was hoping to read something resembling legitimate advice within this article 

However, after reading phrases like “greedy, selfish bottle whore girls” and “giving all your goodies away to men for free” I realized this piece was about hating girls; not helping them. So, consider this a list direct for Gianna, the writer of “How To Be A Classy Female In Today’s Ever Demanding Club-Centered, Binge-Drinking, Drug Consuming Generation.”

1. Stop Dressing Like This  Worry About Your Damn Self

You could spend your entire night judging a girl based on how much cleavage she’s rocking or you could realize that it’s none of your damn business. You should try to not label anyone as a “cheap whore” despite how much skin they’re showing or how high their heels are.

Does that girl look like her feet are killing her? Sure… but she probably felt fierce when she left the house. Is that girl wearing underwear? Who knows, but who actually gives a shit.

The length of the girl’s dress next to you in line has nothing do with the amount of sexual partners she’s had. Even if it did, it has nothing to do with the amount of respect she deserves. Resist the urge to smack anyone “upside the head” for what they’re wearing and repeat after me: No matter what a girl is wearing, she deserves to be treated like a human.

Implying anything else, or claiming that “guys will treat you like that [a cheap whore]” if you dress a certain way, literally helps no one, and it will make you look like a fedora wearing “nice guy”. (Read: asshole.)

2. If You’re Going To Get Wasted Please Wear Underwear

See Rule #1

3. It’s Better To Bring 2 Girls With You. Preferably 2 Who Aren’t Stupid Bitches or Dramatic Don’t hang out with shitty people. Period.

If you really consider any of your friends “stupid bitches”, you probably shouldn’t be hanging out with them, let alone trusting them to keep you safe in an admittedly sketchy environment like the club. Being dramatic or flaky are not inherently female traits. Those are just shitty “friend” traits.

I completely agree that “you are the company you keep”, which is why I choose to surround myself with friends that are smart, funny, badass goddesses of sass and loyalty. When we go out to a club, my friends watch out for me, like I watch out for them. Always. Some of them even manage to do so while grinding on strangers, wearing bandage dresses and taking body shots. Women don’t “disappear as some of us like some of us are known to (apparently?) do.” If implying that a girl at a club should be babysat all night because of all the scummy men who are also at that club, maybe it’s time to give some advice to those scummy men. That way, women can feel safe going to the bathroom alone without disappearing.

If you feel the need to arrive with several people, in case one ditches you, or another gets involved in an emotional battle with an ex (because we’re all just dramatic girls, amiright?), maybe you should reassess who you’re hanging out with. If you’re really that scared of going places alone, maybe you should work on it.

4. If You Can Barely Walk Out Your Door In Shoes, Change Them

See Rule #1

5. If Your Job Isn’t Related To Nightlife And You Find You Go Out More Than 3 Times A Week, Get Your Shit Together Don’t assume you know a stranger’s life situation.

Please stop acting like you have any idea if the brunette slamming Lemon Drops at the bar is actually unemployed or if the redhead reapplying her lip-gloss in the bathroom needs to pick up a “healthy mind expanding hobby like yoga or art”. You don’t have any clue.

6. People Take Drugs. It’s Not My Thing But If It’s Yours Know Your Limit Nope. Drugs suck.  

7. Why The Fuck Are You Crying In A Club? Stop policing other people’s emotions.

Just because you know what amplified whatever emotional meltdowns you may encounter (hello free tequila shots), keep in mind that you really don’t know what triggered them. Sure, they might be because of a boy (love is hard, bar romance is harder), but others may be far more complicated than that. Instead of rolling your eyes and assuming, be compassionate.

In bar bathrooms, I’ve hugged teary strangers, fixed smeared eyeliner and fished offerings of bobby pins, tampons or pieces of gum from the depths of my purse. Bless the girls that one will meet in the bathrooms at clubs and bars, because they will be your best friend for the five minutes you need it most.

Attempting to flatten all women into a one-dimensional caricature of the dramatic drunk is about as limiting as men labeling all their ex-girlfriends as crazy or needy.

We are much more complex than that. The entire gender is not crazy, or slutty, or dramatic when we’re drunk. We’re not all innately catty or over-emotional because we’ve ingested vodka and identify as woman.

8. If You Feel The Need To Incessantly Hook Up With Someone At Least Hide On The Dance Floor Kiss who you want. Consent is rad.

If two adults both decide to consent to an impromptu make-out session, inspired by the Beyonce and Jay track pouring through the speakers, don’t worry about where they’re located. If someone wants to have a passionate lip-lock with a “ginger who was wearing khaki pants at the club” it is again, none of your damn business.

I’d rather be compassionate to other girls than waste time hating on them. I’d definitely rather read a how-to club guide for girls around topics like sexual consent, solidarity and general safety than this slut-shaming romp through stereotypes and name-calling.

Talking shit about other people, especially other women, does not make you unique or special. You do not get a gold star for “not being like the other girls.” Men, and society as a whole, have been using that same tired language for decades and women joining in on it doesn’t make women stronger.

Misogyny, even misogyny dripping in clever gifs, tagged under ‘Humor’ and laced with pithy profanity, is still misogyny. It’s hateful, not helpful, and is lazy work as a writer and as a human being. You’re better than this piece, Gianna. Try again or go away.

.

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16 thoughts on “8 Ways to Avoid Being a Slut-Shaming Hater

  1. Thanks for taking the time to write this, seriously. I’m just confused though, I see how you say that one should worry about themselves repeated amounts of times in your article, but call me a slut shaming hater and also misspell my name. Not everyone is going to agree with my viewpoints, and thank god for that! What’s even better is that we have these awesome outlets to voice our opinions, but where we get tripped up is that we think what we read is a personal attack against us – one is never right or wrong it’s all perspective. I’m not going to bash your article because you took the time to oppose mine and I’m downright flattered. My opinion isn’t going to change from one article, but I can tell you had good intentions. I wasn’t trying to sit on a high horse I even admitted i had broken my own rules plenty of times. All of those things I’ve done and I included them because had I not done those things, situations could have been avoided. I think your views are great, and I’m glad you are passionate about the subject.

  2. Gianna, I think the author’s point wasn’t that she took your article personally, but that when you take on women for dressing a certain way or acting a certain way that helps the ongoing perception that women “ask for it” or get what they deserve. A woman, no matter where she is, what she wears, or what she is doing should not be name called or judged.

  3. Wow. After reading Gianna Del Monte’s comment above I am compelled to voice my thoughts. After reading this article as well as Gianna’s original post on DailyBeats.com, one thing stands out dramatically. The original article does not reference a single person by name, except the author herself, whom she calls out for doing all the things she described within. However this author (who doesn’t use their real name) writes a personal attack on Gianna Del Monte calling her out specifically several times throughout this article. From a supposedly feminist author, the misuse of the term misogyny is saddening, I see none in either article, just a difference of opinion as to what is classy/slutty for a girl to do. And as a guy I hate to admit it but it is true that 99/100 of my male friends make major judgements about girls (whether consciously or subconscious) based on what girls wear and how they act, it’s just the nature of the world we live in. But I hope this author can distinguish between misogyny and libel, as this article reeks of it. It just feels like this post was derived from a hate-centered place. Isn’t that exactly what you want to put an end to towards women in general? Author literally wrote the words “I’d rather be compassionate with girls than to waste time hating on them..” while spending (her) time hating on a specific girl! I’m sorry but this post seems like a hypocritical rant. Please consider the motivation behind your posts in the future as this type of writing severely negates your credibility as a supportive feminist writer. Major props to Gianna Del Monte for her response to this article, it speaks volumes in the face of.. well, Bitchopia.

    • I am concerned for YOU, “concerned man”. This post wasn’t written as a stab at Gianna, and is not a hateful rant. It merely is a different perspective of the nightlife scene many of us girls are familiar with. The author is just trying to get Gianna to be a little more aware and conscious of the belittling language she uses as she sadly attempts to give young women advice on how to safely have a good time.
      As for your judgy friends, that just further illustrates one of the social issues we have to deal with on a Friday or Saturday night. If I go out in something ‘provocative’, it’s because I WANT TO. Just because it’s the nature of the world we live in doesn’t make it acceptable behavior for you and your bros to have certain expectations based on my clothing. It is exactly that: how girls ACT, not who they are. I challenge you to have a heart to heart with your friends on their treatment of women.
      I believe the author in this case, was wanting to bring to light that Gianna’s article used language that totally defeats the purpose of writing from a feminist perspective. We want women to be compassionate to each other. Calling girls -who you know nothing about- “dramatic, stupid, greedy, selfish” and “bottle whores” is completely counterproductive.

    • She did not misuse the word “misogyny.” Misogyny means a hatred for women. When our culture continuously puts down traits that are typically associated with women, that’s misogyny. When all women are assumed to possess these traits that are so worthy of hate, that’s misogyny. When the clothes a woman is wearing is used to justify rape, the most hateful of acts, that’s misogyny.

  4. I believe that she chose to address the author personally because this is a response to her specific piece.

    She isn’t arguing that people don’t judge because it’s impossible not to. But the issue is that the original article on Daily Beat basically argues that the way a person dresses or expresses their emotions (without actually harming another person) is a valid reason to be treated poorly, a line of thought that contributes to rape culture. It isn’t really so much what is “classy vs slutty” and more so that people deserve to be treated with respect no matter how they choose to dress or carry themselves…especially if those decisions don’t harm another person.

    If this post is “hating” on anything in specific, it Gianna’s article not Gianna herself. Honestly go read that Daily Beat article again and then try and tell me that it isn’t “derived from a hate-centered place”.

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  6. #6 is just as judgmental as the slut shaming fedoras.
    I can’t believe you don’t see this. I bet there’s some ‘o honey you don’t know what’s good for you’ bs behind that one as well.

    • I’m not the person who wrote the article, but I don’t think that was the point that no. 6 was making. I think saying “no your limit” is a huge part of victim blaming, and it’s not the user’s fault if something bad happens to them. Drugs can be really stupid, be there for your friends anyway because they’re your friends and you care.

      • I have to disagree as the vast majority of drugs don’t make the user act out of control. I’m talking the commonly used substances here, weed, alcohol, cigs, ecstasy etc. I think it’s the drug users responsibility to look up dosages and to take these in a safe environment. Blaming the drug is in my opinion not much different from blaming McDonald’s for making us fat. I hope the original author meant something different there.

  7. Where is the compassion? Gianna’s piece was very belittling, not helpful towards womankind. I gathered from the title of Gianna’s piece that it would be helpful for these lost young women but it was everything but. We should be working to empower one another, not put each other down. If you want to see a change ladies, do something positive. Adding to the negative viewpoints does nothing but set womankind back. Small gestures such as the ones this author has pointed out may go a long way. Hating and shaming only adds to the problem.

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  9. My “party girl” days are behind me now that I’m in my 30’s and married…but I agree with what is being said here.
    There is nothing wrong with a woman having fun as long as it is consensual and her behavior isn’t hurting anybody else. I agree with the commenter called “2 cents” most of all.

    What’s funny is that I have a relative named Gianna (weird coincidence) who engages in much of the behavior mentioned above BUT she also tends to slut-shame other girls/women. A bit ironic, no? Of course the Gianna who wrote that piece isn’t related to me at all…but I wanted to chuckle at the coincidence.

    I believe that women who slut-shame others do so for different reasons: 1) they were brought up in a strict religious environment and were taught that sex is “sinful”; 2) immaturity; 3) discomfort about sexuality; 4) sometimes it is jealousy because another female is getting more male attention; 5) cultural issues that can influence attitudes about female sexuality.
    Some women do engage in cringe-worthy behavior and yes, they might be considered “slutty”. But I think that unless they are spreading diseases around or actively trying to destroy another person’s relationship, no one is justified in making them feel bad. People need to mind their own business unless somebody is being hurt.

    I’ve been shamed for various reasons, including something as innocuous as my curly hair (I’m biracial) to wearing makeup (because dontcha know lip gloss is slutty and trashy and evil?)
    It is bad enough that we are often slut-shamed by men…women who engage in slut-shaming other women have their own issues. I think they do it so they will be more accepted by men but the truth is, any girl can be called a “slut” if somebody is mad at her. Some women just want to feel superior…”look at me, I’m special, I have more dignity and class than Slutty McSlutterson over there!”

  10. This article is the complete opposite of what I was trying to research on google. For argument’s sake, whoever wrote this is in denial of how women are viewed in a business environment when they dress like a Whor#. I would never take them seriously in a multi million dollar corporate transaction and would never recommend any client or associate to any women dressed like one. Professional business standards are there for a reason and this includes dressing professionally.

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