The Pact

I have a confession:

At the very young age of 23 I am burdened with the irrational fear that I am destined to a life of old maid solitude. Maybe I’ve watched one too many chick flicks and Disney princess animations in my lifetime. Maybe I’ve been burned by more guys than fingers and toes combined. Or, maybe it’s due to the fact that I am extremely insecure. They say admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, right?

Well, here I am, as raw as it gets, bearing all to the readers of Bitchtopia, that my self-esteem has reached a new all-time low. Then again, it’s no secret that I’m disgusted in my own skin. The sad eyes and fake smiles do not lie. For the past year and a half, I have been struggling with periods of depression and lack of self-worth. And I’ve been looking for happiness in all the wrong places. To be more specific, in all the wrong men. A mistake that many women like myself make.

Society embeds into our heads that to be truly fulfilled and happy you must find ‘the one.’ That one person who makes you fall head over heels, the one you want to make handsome babies with and grow old together with. So we go searching for that hero who can save us from ourselves, the hero that will bring us eternal happiness.

Some young women who suffer from low self-esteem thrive on compliments from the opposite sex. Confidence is shot right through them the second a man tells them they’re beautiful or smiles in their direction. Suddenly, all insecurities have disappeared. But not me. The compliments are never enough to validate my self-worth. The feelings of confidence and sheer ecstasy are only ever an illusion. A figment of my imagination until the dark cloud begins to travel my way once again. “He could do so much better.” “I don’t deserve this.” “I’m not good enough.”

I’ve grown close with this darkness. A curse and a blessing twirled into one. A security blanket that protects me from the heartache, but also restricts me from going out into the world and finding who I am. A college graduate from a prestigious university and what do I have to show for it? A monotonous temp position working as a desk zombie. I am more lost now than I was as an 8-year-old girl. And instead of chasing after the excitement and passion that I need, I wait for my knight in shining armor to gallop in on his white horse and rescue me from my dark side. But a man is not the answer to my problems. As Carrie Bradshaw says, “Love yourself first.” So maybe our one true love isn’t hidden within someone else maybe ‘the one’ is buried deep within ourselves.

The pact I am declaring is to find the hero in me and fall head over heels in love with me. I don’t care how cliché it sounds. We all need a little self discovery now and then. I think the hardest lesson I need to learn is that I can still live a fulfilling life even if I never meet my prince charming. I truly believe that once you accept yourself everything will fall into place. And hopefully the prospect of being alone won’t be so intimidating anymore.

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