Bottoming & Consent

I began with the intention to write a love letter to tops, but in the process I realized that my most recent experiences with dominants were imperfect; that I needed to consider my boundaries and desires before I adventure further into the land of kink.
I started writing in earnest, in large part inspired by a femme top who I very much wanted to play with. I wanted to produce something sparkly and playful that would encapsulate me as a bottom. I wanted to consider things from my formative years that might have led me to desire dominant personalities. But doing that also brought up some trauma that I did not want to include in my letter. And, for me, thinking about one trauma always brings up the whole sticky web of negative things that I’ve experienced. It also made me seriously reconsider two of the last people I had been intimate with. This accumulated until two nights ago when I absolutely exploded in anger and self hate. I felt disgusting, used, worthless, dirty, and broken.
Since that night I’ve been thinking about the information I should present to tops instead of a love letter. I am always afraid to tell partners personal information about myself, regardless of their kink status. But now I realize how much pain and fear could have been avoided if I had been honest and adamant.
The first thing I should say is that I was raped when I was a teenager, and that it was my first experience with “sex” (quotations because I mean penetration). That reinforced the inability to say no that I had already internalized. Some people can describe that inability so clearly and eloquently, but I cannot. I don’t know why I can’t say no besides this incredibly strong and deep fear of disappointing others. This fear holds true in all circumstances. I fear disappointing my friends, my family, my coworkers, my bosses, my teachers, and my partners. I am twenty-three now and am only beginning to understand how pervasive and detrimental this fear is. I am unable to describe my boundaries unless asked, and even then during sex, I will not reinforce them when crossed if my partner does not check in.
It stinks because this desire to please could result in some really sexy scenes, if I could guide it in a safer way, but part of why I wanted to write this was so I could focus more on dating/playing with intent. I am trying not to blame myself. I also don’t want to blame my partners because I don’t think they truly understood the meaning consent. I do want to use writing to practice explaining my boundaries/desires and to explore all of the facets of consent that lead to safe and affirming sex. I also want to reach out to other bottoms who have had similar experiences and who are working on developing communication techniques for achieving great scenes and relationships with tops. I understand your pains and fears and appreciate all your efforts! Bottom solidarity forever.

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