“To be banished from one’s room (most often, a single-space dormitory room) so that the roommate may engage in private sexual intercourse. Generally speaking, sodomy,cunninglingus, fellatio, and most forms of foreplay consitute grounds for sexiling.”
I first got introduced by this term by the other lovely Bitchtopia contributors after asking advice on how to deal with my roommate and his girlfriend’s habit of smoothly cutting me out of the conversation just to close the door so they can have their sexy time. I had to look into this.
I live with another guy and a girl and I can honestly say out of the three of us I have the least active sex life. I’m ok with it (not really, but let me pretend) but already being a sometimes-awkward person, these sudden exclusions of the conversations or coming home to them having sex are situations I never knew I would have to deal with. We have separate rooms, but it doesn’t mean you couldn’t feel a bit weird about it. It’s not like I want to be a mood killer towards my roommate, quite the opposite. In fact, I’ve served as good help when they’ve tried to find partners – you go get yourself some dick/vagina, whatever works for you. BUT you know, I’d like to know about it in advance so I don’t just walk into the flat and start yelling stuff about my day and shit, completely busting your mood.
I googled sexiling, without knowing much about it. I see guides like “How to Handle Being Sexiled in College” – which are great, but are mostly for roommates who live in the same room and it goes without saying, that sexiling has to happen under such circumstances.
It is obviously less of an issue with people who have separate rooms, but they don’t realize that this can still be a slight problem. To avoid awkward situations in these households here are my tips/notes:
1. Let the roommate know when your girlfriend/boyfriend/fuckbuddy/possible-new-sexmate is coming over to hang out. Especially when there is a mutually shared living room where everyone spends most of their time. It’s good to know the space will be free so you can get your groove on in peace. Even if you’re not sure whether or not you’re gonna bang, it’s still good to mentally prepare for the other person as well since if you’ve all hanging out together first, then deciding to bang afterwards the third person doesn’t have to suddenly feel left out.
Personal experience example: My roommate and his girlfriend are both really close friends of mine. Which can either make it more or less awkward. I love spending time with both of them, so if I come home and they’re hanging out in the living room I will naturally want to hang out with them. Sometimes they suddenly cut me out of the conversation though and close the door behind them leaving me to think ‘Ok. Thanks for the fun conversation. I guess I will play videogames or something.’ Like, it’s rude. I know people fuck, but generally, cutting me out of the conversation we were all having ain’t cool.
2. If your roommate is out, let them know if sexy time is going to happen. I mean, yeah, one can close the door and whatnot, but as I mentioned before there is that possibility of ruining one’s mood when the roommate walks in and starts talking about a huge dump they took and how nasty it was. Unless you like hearing stories while doing it.
3. Maybe come up with a note system where you can mark when your room is occupied. It sounds silly, but it’s effective because even if your roommate doesn’t loudly walk into your place like I tend to do, they might still be of some disturbance.
Personal experience example: This is effective if you’re horrible with your phone like me, I always forget it and receive texts late – (I have not entered the smartphone world.)
4. Just because you have your own room does not mean it is soundproof. If your roommate is there, just keep it down or put some music on.
Most of us will have roommates at least once in our life. Everyone wants to enjoy themselves to the max and leave the roommate experience on a good note. Hopefully these small tips will help, if not – just talk to your roommate like I did.
(I’m currently writing this with the sweet sound of pounding in the background – but not too loud, because they’re being thoughtful.)