Dick Pics

I woke up this morning to a text that simply said, “I’m jerking off to the thought of you.”  While most people may cringe, or possibly gag on last night’s dinner, I have realized I have grown increasingly desensitized to the morning habits of the male creature (or female, but that is another story for another day, kiddos). Bored, yawning, and with dried drool on my face, I can’t help but send a text back that says, “Really?”

Though the element of surprise is always there – simply because of the amount of gall it takes to send such a random text – the intrigue of seeing what’s more to come will always outweigh any sense of astonishment. What comes next after this text; what was he thinking about? I want to know what I did, or more importantly, what prompted him. However, all I know is that simple and very random text lead to my good-morning-dick-pic, and I had opened the floodgates for dirty texts  with a young teacher — who did not have to get out of bed because he “has a snow day”. (Oh, and he wanted me to join him. Being twenty-two gives you these quirky little perks.)

Dick pictures to me are just as wonderful as pictures of cute kittens. Here’s why: they’re always different. No matter what angle, if he uses a strange object he left on his desk as a reference for comparison, or whether or not cum is in the picture; each grainy cell phone photograph has its own personal story. Whether we were “sexting” or not, dick pictures always get a little giggle out of me, and it’s not necessarily because I’m turned on. It’s mostly just because I like the way dicks look.

But when I received my first dick picture, I was nineteen and a freshman in college. My jaw dropped

It was nothing amazing or mesmerizing. The picture was nothing more than this guy gripping his dick so hard, I felt bad for it. Of course, the caption was something along the lines of, “Hey, baby, how do you like it?” and I can only imagine that if he were whispering that in my ear, it would be a mix between Bruce Wayne and William Shatner. (Careful girls, don’t let your pussies quiver too much) I only replied with a tentative, “Yes,” because I did not want to be rude. I figured this was dick etiquette; I had to be nice to the guy showing me his dick, right? And to be perfectly honest, I was terrified of that picture. I was a virgin who had yet to make out with a guy, and I was receiving a picture of a full-grown man who was choking the fuck out of his penis. In reality, I should have replied, “Ease up a little bit, it’s turning purple.” But that would have been rude, and my mother taught me manners.

This gentleman was also a teacher and was one of my few quick flings throughout college years. In fact, my college years should be more accurately named, “Four Years of Awkward Sexting and Dick Pic Montages with some Marxist Studies Sprinkled In.” While I think college is more about education with only books, I think I did a lot of growing in concern with my adult relationships. I’d credit dick pictures with this, and also the cell phone. While technology is usually critiqued as some monster-like entity that is destroying personal relations, it also gives us the opportunity to get to know people in ways we may not have before – perhaps on a much more personal level. Either way, texts have become the modern letter. We wait for them, grow anxious over them, and maybe we cry a little bit because of them.

But back to dick business

The next man to show me a dick pic was a guy I had a short “thing” with, and the first picture of his dick he showed me was actually in something called a “Flesh Light”. For anyone who does not know what that is, it is a sex toy designed to replicate a cis woman’s vagina in which a penis is inserted and masturbated into. Now, before you think I’m mocking him, I am not. As far as I am concerned, they’re the same as a dildo and/or vibrator for women; sometimes your hand just does not cut it. It’s masturbation: it’s healthy, it’s safe, and it relieves stress.  Get over it. Moving forward, I was in absolute shock but not repulsed by this picture. I was oddly intrigued, and thus, he continued sending more throughout the time we spent together. Of course, he would fish for compliments about how large his penis was, how much I liked it, and if I had seen any better. I sympathized because while the male ego is considered one of the most important things in the patriarchal order, it is somehow one of the most fragile. So I tried my best to be polite. Maybe there really is dick etiquette?

Over the next couple years, most of the pictures I received were pure mistake. Or they were just guys who really felt this urge to show me their penises without my consent, which is not acceptable. Like this one guy who sent me a picture of his erect penis with my name written vertically on it in permanent marker. When I simply asked, “Why?” he said, “I don’t know, I thought it was funny lol.” It was not funny because (1) I did not ask for it, (2) I was eating dinner with my father when I received it, and (3) You’re an idiot for writing my name, a girl who has told you she is not interested several times, on your penis in permanent marker. Actions like this, however funny they may be, are not okay. Showing a disinterested woman your penis will not make her interested in you. Stop that.

While I appreciate the male anatomy, sometimes a girl wants to sit on her ass with a big bowl of whatever junk food and watch reruns of something on Netflix without your dick invading her personal time. In fact, sometimes we don’t want to see a dick at all. So even if you ask, and I don’t reply, just consider this a silent, “No.” It does not mean go on and send them, and that, gentlemen, is dick etiquette. And who said chivalry was dead? Who needs flowers when I can just get a picture of your dick in really awful lighting? I mean, c’mon.

I will never hate on dick pictures – I find an incredibly indescribable charm in men sending me pictures of their penises (when I consent to it, of course). Plus, if you’re sexually attracted to someone and the feelings are mutual, that secret (or maybe not so secret) exchange of nude pictures is definitely exciting. It’s kind of like an oddball agreement and precursor to something possibly way more fun, if you choose. Because, as much as we forget to mention it, bodies are really beautiful in all senses of the word, and, just like women’s bodies, men’s bodies are all different. It is these differences and the surprises – all the scars, freckles, marks, and more – that make each one beautiful.

So throughout my four years of college, I have received a lot of questionable pictures, some better than others. I have gotten them aggressively pushed up against a Pepsi can, a water bottle, and, my favorite, a remote control. All had carefully thought out but still awkward captions at the end of them, that I can’t help but go along with because that’s the fun of being sexual. Engaging in sexual relations with any person of any gender should be exciting and silly. As long as there is mutual respect, receiving a dick picture where it is violently choked into oblivion or pressed against a roll of paper towels is all in good fun. And plus, it is your body so enjoy it.

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